You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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