Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
