It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize