I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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