she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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