My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
