Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
