turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
