he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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