I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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