You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
