For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize