You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
