Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
