put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
