Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
