So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
