i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
