He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
