i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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