Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
