I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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