Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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