And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
