i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
