Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
