He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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