you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You need Xanax blowdarts
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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