I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Im part way to drunk.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
