Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
