i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
even my farts smell like vagina
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
