I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
