He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
