Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
