as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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