Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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