I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
