Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
