Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize