Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
