If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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