Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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