I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
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