Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
