Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
