I faked an abortion last night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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