tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
