Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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