dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
