do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
