Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
either way he was missing a nipple.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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