Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
