I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
