4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
