Cold hands, warm shart.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
