The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
