I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
