Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
