I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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